When someone you love loses a pregnancy or a baby, it’s hard to know what to say. You don’t need perfect words. What helps most is showing up, and then showing up again in the weeks and months that follow.
What to say
- “I’m so sorry.” Or, if the family has shared a name: “I’m so sorry about Hana.”
- “I’ve been thinking about you.”
- “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
- “Would you like to talk about your baby?” Many parents want to, and few people ask.
What to avoid
- Looking for a bright side: “At least it was early,” “At least you can try again,” “Everything happens for a reason.” These are meant to comfort, but they can make the loss feel smaller.
- Comparing it with someone else’s loss or story.
- Asking for medical details. Let them share what they want to.
- Saying nothing because you’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. Silence can feel as if their baby has been forgotten.
Practical help
- Offer something specific: “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” or “Can I take the kids to the park on Saturday?” works better than “Let me know if you need anything.”
- Drop off a meal or send a delivery, without expecting a visit.
- Help with errands, laundry, pets or phone calls they don’t want to make.
- If there are baby things to put away or return, offer to help when they’re ready, or to do it for them.
Remember with them
- Say the baby’s name.
- Put the due date, the birthday and the anniversary in your calendar, and check in on those days. The card maker can make a yearly calendar reminder for you.
- On October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, light a candle with them at 7 p.m.
- Keep inviting them to things, and make it easy to say no.
Partners, grandparents and siblings grieve too
- Partners are often asked how the mother is doing, and not how they are. Ask them too.
- Grandparents grieve for their grandchild and for their own child’s pain.
- Children may grieve in bursts and ask the same questions many times. The Dougy Center has free guides for helping them.
At work
- A short, kind message from the team means a lot. You don’t have to mention details.
- Managers can ask what they’d like shared with coworkers, and how they’d like their return to go.
- Some days will be harder than others, especially around due dates and anniversaries.
If you’re worried about them
Grief after a loss can turn into depression or anxiety. If you’re worried, gently encourage them to reach out. The National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is free and open 24 hours a day in English and Spanish: call or text 1-833-852-6262. If someone may harm themselves, call or text 988. There’s more on our Find support page.
Send a card
A few words on a card can say “we remember” better than a long message.